


Christmas at Reynauld's

by darndungeon



Category: Darkest Dungeon (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drunken Shenanigans, Jealously, Multi, Open Relationship, Playing Cupid, alcohol consumption, sitting on santa's lap, slice of life but make it Christmas, this sort of stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28540563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darndungeon/pseuds/darndungeon
Summary: Christmases used to be terrible in Audrey’s old life, but now she had Dismas and many other odd friends to get drunk with at Reynauld’s house every year-- not that the host approved of it, but that never seemed to stop them. A modern AU holiday take.
Relationships: Crusader/Highwayman (Darkest Dungeon), Grave Robber/ Highwayman (friends with benefits), Other Minor Relationships
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9
Collections: Snowiest Dungeon





	Christmas at Reynauld's

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Vault_Emblem](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vault_Emblem/gifts).



> Here's my fashionably late Christmas fanfic-- I had always wanted to write a Darkest Dungeon modern AU, and all I can say is that I had lots of fun with this one! I hope you like it as well, let me know your thoughts in the comments! Big thanks to @wyrd_eater for all the editing, formatting and feedback! :)

Christmas season once again. Audrey used to dread it with all her heart back when she had been stuck with her shitty ex-husband. The thought of falling under the scrutinizing eyes of her snobby in-laws, who would silently pass judgement on her outfit, her house decoration, her food... The fake smiles, the false pleasantries, the gift exchange psychological warfare. It had all sickened her to the core. They had acted almost as if they were high noblesse despite only being upper middle class, and she just knew they had never truly considered her as part of the family-- they had probably seen her as just a young and smoking hot trophy wife, nothing but a good for nothing gold digger. 

Sure, they had been right on the money. Why else would someone marry that old pig if not for his money? Not that he had much to begin with. Still, anything was more than what Audrey used to have. But the lifestyle hasn’t been worth the misery. How she had put up with all that for a whole decade, she didn’t even know. 

Luckily, that was a past long dead and buried. Now, for the past four years in her mid-thirties, Audrey has been having the best Christmases of her life. It had all started after her divorce when she had moved in with a good old friend, who had been just as broke but had taken her in without further questions. She hadn’t talked with Dismas since he had dropped out from college, but once they had reconnected, it was as if no time had passed between now and then. He used to be her drinking buddy, her wingman, her casual fuck buddy, her partner in crime-- figuratively, that is. Although Dismas has had trouble with the law in the past decade, it was all behind him after a short sentence and a couple hundred hours of law-ordered community service. That last one being where he had met Reynauld, another divorcee just like her. Rey (as Dismas called him) was the one responsible for the Christmas parties Audrey had attended religiously every year.

Now, what was so special about Reynauld’s Christmas parties?

Well, for one, the food was _great_ : simple, humble, but super tasty-- nothing like the gorgeous, pretentious gold-leaf decorated desserts (that tasted like wet cardboard) her in-laws would bring. Reynauld didn’t have many redeeming qualities in Audrey’s book, but she had to admit the guy could cook. And worst of all, he seemed to enjoy cooking! What a contrast to Audrey’s slaving in the kitchen for the holidays, cursing through every fancy recipe step. Due to some bullshit family tradition, her ex always made a point of Audrey being the main cook of the feast and, while Audrey was decent enough, the pressure had permanently soured cooking for her. But at Rey’s, she could just come, eat, and then discard the disposable dishes by the end of it. What a luxury!

Another great thing about these parties was that there was no obligation for pleasantries, no forced interactions, no fake smiles needed at all. Nobody cared about appearances here either, which was good because Audrey barely even combed her hair nowadays (half because it looked stylish in an effortless fashion, half because she couldn’t afford her expensive products anymore). So, if one wanted to just come in sweatpants and flip-flops, eat, and then leave without saying a word, they surely could. Reynauld hosted these parties for the whole street to come and share a meal, for all of those who didn’t have a family or a place to go on Christmas Eve. Apparently, this was something he and his ex-wife had used to do on the holidays, and he said he wanted to keep the tradition. It sounded very charitable and virtuous and all that jazz, but both Audrey and Dismas seemed to agree that he just didn’t want to spend another Christmas by himself-- strained from his wife and son as he had been after the divorce. It was the only reasonable explanation as to why would someone open their doors to a bunch of freaks every year.

Speaking of freaks, Audrey had never in her entire life met a group as colorful and weird as the people who attended Rey’s Christmases, the number of oddities growing each year. By year four, just to mention a few, there was an expelled medical school student who had a clandestine clinic in her room and dealt homemade drugs as a side gig, an eccentric/delusional former math (or was it history? History of math?) professor, fired from the local university over a scandal involving “demon possessions”. Also, BDSM practitioners who weren’t ashamed of wearing their gear in public, bearing their bare chests (in December!), scars and chains for everyone's gaze. There were also a couple new additions like the two weirdos who coincidentally liked to incarnate some sort of character in big gatherings-- one larped as a diseased knight just for fun and the other was an amateur actress/screenwriter who wanted to “be” the character she had been working on, a barbarian woman, to better feel and act the role. To think that the liberal gun nuts, medieval fair attendees interracial lesbian couple would be the most normal of them all was sure saying a lot.

Most of the freaks came from the nearby Hamlet complex, a shitty decaying building filled with tiny sad looking apartments and even sadder looking tenants. A place whose reputation was down the gutter due to the former landlord's shifty behavior. The new landlord was trying to turn this image around, but still, it was a place where only the outcasts from contemporary society would “choose” to live in. Audrey would know, as she had _befriended_ a current resident and had visited her a couple times. Calling the Hamlet a shithole was generosity. Suffice to say, she was glad Dismas had a friend who owed him a favor and rented them his old little place. 

Reynauld’s house, on the other hand, was the biggest in their sketchy neighborhood-- and apparently had been for sale for years on end before Rey had moved in. Audrey had once asked Dismas what his occupation was for him to afford such a huge place, to which Dismas had just shrugged in response.

When Audrey had moved in with Dismas, he and Rey had already been friends for a full year. They had bonded while working together at the neighborhood community services-- doing exactly what, Audrey still didn’t know. Maybe something regarding security, guarding the streets? Or was it garbage picking? Beats her. All she knew was that Reynauld had been new in town and had most likely been volunteering out of his own good will, while Dismas had been there by judge orders. 

Which crime had led Dismas to two years of prison and obligatory community service, he never brought up (and Audrey had never really asked). This was the best part of their odd relationship: each one minded their own business. Although they lived together, neither of them had to explain themselves if they spent the night out. When they shared a bed, Audrey never asked about “ _she_ ” Dismas cried out for in his guilt-ridden nightmares, while Dismas never bothered to know how Audrey got her half of rent money every month. So, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Dismas didn’t really know much about Reynauld either, it wasn’t in his nature to ask personal questions, no matter their closeness. Just like Audrey. Some could call it dysfunctional, but hey, it worked fine for them.

So, there they were again at Rey’s house, Audrey and Dismas and the bunch of weirdos all together celebrating Christmas for the fifth year in a row. It was almost midnight and most of them had already eaten their good fill of ham, stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy, save for Bigby who was having seconds again-- where all that food went, Audrey didn’t know, that skinny guy must have a beast’s metabolism.

Regardless, for Audrey, it always felt good not having to wait till midnight to eat and sit together with people you hated, not being forced to say hypocritical prayers anymore. What a blessing. Reynauld was a religious guy all in all, but he didn’t impose his faith on others, not after that first year’s incident where Rey’s prayer had seemed to awaken a blasphemous entity in Alhazred (or perhaps it had been a schizophrenic episode, Audrey wasn’t sure). All she knew is that he had started to pray in silence ever since. The host really didn’t have much control over what happened at his parties, all he did was provide shelter and food. He couldn’t stop people from sneaking in alcohol and blasting themselves, but who would be so horrible to do this at a community Christmas party?

Audrey and Dismas of course. And Paracelsus, the unlicensed doctor/drug dealer-- though few were brave enough to touch whatever neon green liquid she usually drank. And also Sarmenti, the local aspiring rock star/stand up comedian who firmly believed the best audience was a slightly inebriated one. Boudica would come already half drunk. 

The point being, this neighborhood was full of awful people who liked to turn this family friendly party a rating up each year. This time around however, Reynauld had really tried to limit alcohol consumption and had all but begged people not to overindulge themselves, at least for tonight. While Audrey didn’t exactly care about the host, Dismas did, and she cared about Dismas. 

So, as a show of good will, Audrey was taking it slow, just pleasantly buzzing while sharing a bottle of cheap wine with Dismas, the both of them snug on Rey’s big old armchair after dinner. If not for moderation, they would have been at the third bottle by now, but alas, they were still on the first (with Dismas half a bottle ahead of Audrey despite his best efforts). She had to admit it actually felt nice to be sober enough to watch others starting to get tipsy. She had grown to know these people around them, some could even be considered friends by now, so witnessing them getting high was a gift in and of itself.

Speaking of gifts, Dismas was once again wearing the sweater Audrey had knitted for him a couple years back. She had made it as a joke, just to flex her knitting skills with the ugliest Christmas pattern she could find. It was black and gray (just like his lovely hair, that premature silver fox) and full of tacky and colorful holiday motifs: there were golden yellow bells, red ribbons, dark green holly leaves, white snowflakes and... multi-colored rats wearing Santa hats. Because nothing screamed Christmas more than Santa rats! Bless the mad genius who had come up with that. Dismas had laughed his ass off when he saw it, he had absolutely loved it! 

Audrey had been wanting to try and top that one but Dismas had made it clear he wouldn’t be wearing anything else, so she shouldn’t even try. It had been his uniform at Reynauld’s parties ever since, and it always paired well with Audrey's knitted festive winter dress: a classic white piece with a big red “HO” on it. They looked amazingly awful together. Although this year, now that Audrey noticed, he was also sporting a blood-red scarf around his neck, which oddly tied his whole look together.

“Dear me, is this new?” Audrey put down her glass and tugged at Dismas’ scarf. 

On closer inspection it looked homemade and-- what terrible craftsmanship! The stitches were all uneven, some parts loose while others tight and tense, with occasional gaps big enough to fit a pinky inside. This was an offense to the knitting craft! 

“Oh love, where did you even get this fine excuse of a rag?” Audrey tried her best not to laugh her knee-high boots off, while Dismas blushed before putting the bottle aside. 

“It was a gift, alright?” He grunted, tugging the scarf away from her hands and wrapping it around his face in a futile attempt to hide the pink on his cheeks. 

Oh, a gift? They really didn’t do those here, since many could not afford it and would get embarrassed about gift exchanges. Of course, this didn’t stop some from giving everyone some cookies or small things of the sort, but a handmade scarf (albeit a crappy one)? Audrey shot him an inquisitive look and her shit eating grin only grew wider when his blush deepened to match the scarf. 

"Oi, fuck off!" He scoffed, voice muffled beneath the cloth. Audrey’s laughter echoed in the room. Slightly tipsy Dismas was too easy to fluster, it was adorable.

To Dismas’ luck or not, a big shaggy dog rushed towards them out of nowhere and jumped on their laps before Audrey could ask anything else. The dog placed most of her weight on Dismas, knocking the air out of him, and Audrey immediately went to pet her furry muzzle, positively adoring the fact she was wearing a cloth headband with tiny felted reindeer horns.

“Laika! Who’s a sweet, lovely good girl? Who’s the best part of Christmas? It’s you!!” 

Dismas snorted at Audrey’s baby talk, and winced as Laika tail swagged violently against his arm. 

“My, what did you do for the mutt to like you so much?” Dismas asked, trying to sound stern, but not really being able to hide the smile showing in his eyes-- for someone who didn’t like dogs, he sure had a soft spot for this one. Audrey laughed, still petting the greyhound affectionately. 

“Remember that dry turkey sweet-cheeks Junia brought last year? Drier than sand?” 

Dismas nodded, running a tentative hand on the dog’s back. 

“I recall batting an eye at it and knowing not to touch it. Not even Bigby ate that...” 

Poor Junia, she meant well. The young woman was from Reynauld’s congregation and had wanted to help with the party somehow. Maybe she should have just given him money or something. 

“Well, Laika sure loved it when I ‘accidentally’ dropped my plate next to her. Don’t tell Junia, or William for that matter.”

“You two rogues keeping secrets now?” William’s soft chuckle surprised them as he approached, apologizing for his dog’s enthusiasm. 

“Aud gave the dog turkey meat!” Dismas blurted out almost immediately and all but smirked at Audrey’s glare. William stared at Laika’s empty mouth and blinked a couple times. 

“Ah, you meant last year? It’s okay, There were barely any seasonings on that meat, judging by how… bland it tasted. I’m pretty sure she got lots of leftovers, she was so full the day after!” He laughed in a wheezy raspy and patted his thigh twice, Laika perked her ears and jumped out of their laps to his side on command. 

“I was very impressed that the theater lady demolished the rest of the bird alone like a true barbarian. What dedication to the role…” William added, petting Laika’s sides. 

Audrey and Dismas shared a knowing look. Sure, dedication. They wouldn’t be surprised if Boudica had stomached that dry turkey all in a futile attempt to impress Junia. Subtlety wasn’t Boudica’s strongest suit, and her crush on the younger lady had been pretty apparent to everyone except perhaps Junia herself. Too bad the latter’s religion prohibited any chance of love blossoming between them both, Audrey thought they would make for a good-looking couple...

“And how’re you adapting to the new gig, Will?” Dismas casually brought up, lowering the scarf from his mouth and reaching for his wine bottle again. 

William sighed and seemed to think for a while, absentmindedly playing with Laika’s reindeer horns. It was so much like William to dress up the dog for the party but not himself. 

“My new job... pays the bills and puts food in Laika’s bowl. I do miss the guys, though... Barristan, Reynauld, Tardif.” 

Dismas snorted, almost choking on his drink. 

“Even Tardif?” 

“Especially Tardif! That guy had great taste in music!” William and Dismas shared laughter. 

Audrey had no idea what they were talking about, she just knew all of them had at some point worked together throughout the years-- be it hired, volunteering, or court ordered. She didn’t know much about William's past except that he had quit his cop job before moving to this town, and this alone sounded good in Audrey’s book. No good cop stayed in that rotten system. Plus, William had the most adorable dog in the universe, how could a man like that be bad? It was just a gut feeling, William felt good for Audrey. She wished she could say the same about a certain host.

As Dismas and William’s chatter went on, Audrey downed the last of her wine and found herself distractedly scanning the rest of the party. Uneventfully talking by the poorly decorated limp Christmas tree were Junia and Damian, both from Reynauld’s church despite the seeming absurdity of it. Damian and his roommate Bigby always came to the parties wearing bondage gear, with their spikes and chains and locks and leather belts for everyone to see. When told that their outfits weren’t holiday-appropriate, they made a power move of pinning ornaments on Bibgy’s cloak and wrapping Christmas’ lights around Damian’s collar. Nobody could complain anymore and they’ve been wearing those at festivities ever since. 

Audrey couldn’t help but smirk at the thought of those two, since they were currently part of a game she and Dismas secretly played: a list of whomever they bet would end up fucking. Despite apparently only being friends, Audrey had bet on the roommates, while Dismas paired Damian with Tardif for some unknown motive. He also paired Tardif with William, Sarmenti and/or Boudica. 

When asked why, Dismas would only disclose that he had his reasons, but Audrey guessed it was just to increase his odds. Tardif was an extremely discreet guy, and they had never managed to cross his name off the list in five years. He was a stain on Audrey’s winning streak, since he had never made a move on Dismas as she had thought that he would-- unless it had happened and Dismas just hadn’t told her -- but that would be cheating on his behalf, and Dismas wouldn't cheat on their game, would he? Somehow, thinking back to some strip poker nights, she started to have her doubts. 

Regardless, two of Audrey's most successful bets had been Miss and Meg, the resident gun nuts who had ended up engaged despite having opposite personalities, and Amani and Josephine-- though those two had moved out last year to live their cottagecore dream. Despite being single for years, Reynauld’s name had never been written into either list, and Audrey feared she knew just why.

Shaking off any unpleasant thoughts, Audrey focused her stare to the opposite corner of the room. Next to the humble fireplace with a single hanging stocking sat Sarmenti strumming his faithful old guitar and mumbling attempts of lyrics to himself, his long strands of blond hair falling softly on his face from under a Santa's elf cap. It looked like he was trying to compose something on the spot, something vaguely Christmasy by the sound of it, the bell on his hat jingling with each nod. He was being surprisingly tame this year, especially when compared to the drunken show he had put on during year three-- who would have thought ventriloquism and a strip tease could go together? Audrey certainly didn’t. By his side, wearing a matching elf cap over his cowl, sat Baldwin with his impeccably good posture, static and as big as a mountain, doing apparently nothing. Was he just enjoying the dim fire or was he listening to Sarmenti playing? Perhaps meditating? It was impossible to tell, with that golden painted mask he wore at those outings. 

In all honesty, Audrey thought that both Baldwin and Boudica seemed too dedicated to their role-playing, to an unhealthy extent, but who was she to judge? Hadn’t she also played the fake role of a good trophy wife for way longer than she should have? Besides, maybe Baldwin really did have a fucked up face and was using the role of a leper as an excuse to conceal it. He did seem to visit Paracelsus clinic a lot-- then again, maybe Para herself was the cause of whatever skin condition he might have. Audrey certainly wouldn’t trust her skin’s health in Para’s hands, even though she had welcomed those same hands at other body parts at some point in the past year.

Speaking of the devil, Paracelsus suddenly appeared right at Audrey’s peripheral vision as if summoned by her memories. She silently offered some tantalizingly colorful shot glasses on a silver platter, an innocuous smile on her face, eyes obscured by her trademark black spectacles, making her expression very hard to read. But Audrey knew her. She wore a most charming smile as she grabbed one glass, winking at Para and downing it as the young “doctor” smirked and went looking for another victim. 

As soon as she had turned around, Audrey spat the drink back into the cup, her tongue both burning and numb. A little naughty bird had once confessed she liked to use these parties to test some small dosages of new drugs by handing out spiked shots on holidays (when people had their guards lowered) and then studying the reactions. Para’s idea of pillow talk was one of many reasons why those hook ups hadn’t lasted. No hard feelings on either side though. 

“Aye, Aud, aren’t you gonna drink yours?” Dismas voice startled Audrey, as she seemed to have forgotten he was sitting right next to her, William and Laika long gone. 

“It’s Para’s dear. It’s spiked.” Audrey said, and Dismas stared at his own empty shot cup in his hand for a beat too long before bursting out laughing. 

“Ah shit, too late! Oh well, hand me yours too, I can handle it!” He bragged, seemingly forgetting all about moderation. 

A good friend would have just thrown the shot away, but Audrey wasn’t a good friend, at least not on Christmas. She all but watched as Dismas’s throat burned with that devilish shot. Whatever Para had put into these, Dismas had twice the dosage now. She was morbidly curious to see the effects-- maybe Para had influenced her more than she cared to admit.

That’s when some tacky bells started tolling, announcing that midnight had arrived, and with it, a big figure walked unexpectedly into the room, stealing gasps and shocked laughter from all: it was Barristan, their senior citizen, fully clad in a Santa’s outfit! Audrey’s jaw dropped, she couldn’t believe her eyes. 

Every year, in their silly drunken state, Dismas and Audrey had pestered him to play Santa like two toddlers, just because of his sturdy friendly shape and perfectly white mustache. The retired old man always seemed to have way too much dignity to cave in, but that didn’t stop them from trying again the next year. To think there would come a day when they would bask in the sight of an eye-patched Santa… It was a Christmas’ miracle! 

Audrey stared back at Dismas, who had a stupidly happy smile on his flushed face, eyes all bright and big-- though that might have been due to the alcohol and drugs rather than childlike wonder. Could Barristan have made this for their sake? Somehow, Audrey doubted that. 

Ignoring everyone’s reaction, Barristan just strode into the room in heavy steps and zero pomp, not a single “ho” making it past those lips concealed by the fake white beard-- he could definitely use some acting lessons from Boudica. He stepped in front of Reynauld, who kept his eyes glued on his phone screen. The host had actually been like this pretty much the entire night, which struck Audrey as odd since the non-tech-savvy guy barely used his phone at all on a usual day.

“Alright, alright. Where’s the boy?” Barristan spoke in that loud voice and military cadence of his that made every sentence sound like an order or a scolding, just as expected of dear ol' Santa. 

Wait, boy? 

Reynauld’s frown just deepened, and he pocketed his phone in a brisk movement, not really looking at Barristan. As Paracelsus passed by, he grabbed one of her shots and downed it in one swig, not missing the burn on his throat with a bitter “AH”, following shortly with another shot before heading back into the kitchen without another word. Para looked very pleased while Barristan protested and followed him, demanding a proper answer. Dismas and Audrey shared a look, both of them intrigued with what could have led to Rey’s first booze on Christmas ever, but too damn amazed by Santa Barristan to give anything else too much thought. 

“I dare you to go sit on his lap,” murmured Audrey into Dismas’ ear, who was already too high to play it cool and just snorted with a big smile. 

“What, who? Barristan? Why would I do that??” Audrey feigned innocence. 

“Cause he’s Santa Claus, silly! And he’s looking for a young boy!” He grinned in a contagious laugh, those crooked teeth very pretty behind the scarf. 

“Young? I’m turning 37 in January, lass!” 

So was Audrey, but never mind that. 

“Hush now, enough stalling! Go, go grab him! Sit on him, make a wish!!” She urged him, trying her hardest not to laugh at Dismas’ reaction, who had his eyes shut and teary, a hand cupping his mouth unable to smother the giggling, all red-faced from either the alcohol or the imagery Audrey was painting. The old man wasn’t bad looking, maybe he was actually considering it. She made sure to say the next bit as suggestively as she could. 

“And, and! If you were a nice boy, a good boy, maybe he’ll give you what you want...”

At that moment, the whole room stopped for a second to stare at the both of them erupting in laughter, folding over themselves and ugly laughing/crying on Rey’s armchair so loudly even Laika barked at them. It was always like this with Dismas and Audrey. What can one say, those two fools just had a compatible sense of humor. The humor in this case rising from the fact that Barristan was secretly very much Dismas’ type in men: large, hairy, imposing and older. Maybe blame it on his unresolved daddy issues, but every single guy Dismas ever got seriously involved shared those traits. Audrey still shuddered when she thought of Dismas’s college times fling: that huge man was pure evil, she wouldn’t be surprised if he was the one who had first led Dismas to crime. 

At least Barristan was a good man, he meant well despite his bad habit of condescendingly looking down on the newer generations. Not that Dismas had ever made a move on the retired coach that she heard of, no… he probably had his eye set on another large and hairy guy, one just slightly older than himself, with brown hair, blue eyes and zero charisma. Audrey’s laughter died in her throat at the thought.

“Ah shit, I need more wine now...” Dismas wheezed, out of breath. 

“I’ll go get it!” Audrey said abruptly, getting up a bit too fast and feeling dizzy for a second before recomposing herself. She could use more alcohol as well, not giving a rat's ass about Reynauld’s request anymore-- not when Dismas himself was already so high and drunk. Para’s shots were truly killers.

“Be a dear and behave yourself while I’m gone, will you?” She said, blowing Dismas a kiss which he swatted away with a dumb, lopsided smirk, his deep black eyes still wet from the laughter. 

Drunken Dismas was so oddly charming, Audrey could barely resist him when he was like this... With a fond smile, she just shook her head and headed to the cheap cooler they had hidden under the dinner table, as tradition demanded. 

No, she wasn’t necessarily in love with her roommate/best friend with benefits, but she sure loved him. She couldn’t be blamed for it though, Dismas was easy to love: he was very handsome in a weird rugged way, tough-looking but secretly a softie at the core, fairly charismatic (enough to talk his way out of almost any situation) but still self-aware enough to know how to laugh at himself. Sure, he had issues, but who didn’t? She knew it was only a matter of time until someone else noticed the diamond in the rough he actually was, and the thought painted a frown on her face. It wasn’t like they were exclusive at all, this had never been their deal-- not in the past, much less now. After her divorce, commitment was the last thing she would want again, so why... 

Audrey tried to reason with herself while she opened the cooler and grabbed a bottle. _Why_ did the thought of Dismas actually loving someone else upset Audrey? Probably because of his seemingly poor choice. Why did it have to be that stick in the mud? He didn’t deserve Dismas...

“Are you okay, miss?” A soft voice and a delicate hand on her shoulder startled Audrey out of her trance.

Standing right next to her was Alhazred, concern slightly showing on his tanned sharp features but not so much as touching the polite smile he wore under that impeccably waxed dark mustache. She hadn’t even noticed she had been crouched in front of the cooler while she mulled, beads of condensation all over the cheap wine bottle at her hands. 

“Oh, I’m fine darling.” She stood up next to Al, as Dismas called him, shaking off her own bad thoughts. “I was just trying to decide on which fine drink to have for the night!” She said humorously, grabbing another bottle and displaying them both for comparison sake-- they were the same. 

“Ah, didn’t take you for a connoisseur! I’d go for the one on the left, it’s from a better harvest, less acidic grapes!” Al chuckled, playing along. 

She liked Alhazred, she could see why Dismas liked to hang out with him whenever Al could: the guy was intelligent enough to hold a conversation on any topic, but still had enough edge and wit to be able to jest when the situation demanded it. Sure, he also had his eventual episodes of insanity which had cost him his job and reputation and had driven him to this disgraced place, but oh well… 

“A splendid choice, right? Care for one yourself?” she asked, to which he smiled politely, shaking his head with squinted eyes. 

“Thank you for your generosity, but I better remain sober. Someone needs to keep _the_ _Entity_ in check.” And with that ominous line, he bid her goodbye. Ah, how Audrey wished Dismas would have fallen for someone like Alhazred...

Alright then, time to open these bad boys, Audrey thought to herself while searching for her bottle opener. Except it wasn’t anywhere in sight. She could have sworn she had left it on the table after opening the first bottle, it sure wasn’t in the cooler or on herself… She looked in between the half-empty bowls of food, behind the still untouched plates of desserts, next to the platter of appetizers and even under the desk, but nothing. Could someone have taken that old thing? Who in their right mind would steal such a crappy, kitschy pickaxe shaped corkscrew? 

Grunting and sighing, she gave up and headed to the kitchen, not caring anymore what opened the bottles just looking forwards for its contents. Which was a bummer, because she really liked that keepsake. It had been a gift from Dismas once she had gotten engaged right before they had lost touch, a pickaxe for her gold digging. She loved the irony of it and had kept it through all those years, as a memento of Dismas. 

Well, he was right here with her now, so it wasn’t like she needed that anymore, but still, who knew about tomorrow? Maybe Dismas would be the one leaving next time around, if he decided to move to a bigger house with a bigger man… Not that he had ever told her how he felt towards Reynauld, but he didn’t even have to: one could tell just by the way he _looked_ at the big dude, in a mix of unfounded admiration and deep tenderness, which he always tried to conceal with sarcasm, as of his usual nature. Worst of all, Reynauld seemed to look at him the same when he thought Dismas wasn’t looking, too lost into Dismas’ smile to actually notice Audrey’s glare on him. It was sickly sweet, the both of them, and it made Audrey’s stomach turn.

While heading to the kitchen, distraught at her own thoughts, Audrey almost stumbled against Barristan on his way out. His frustrated expression instantly shook Audrey out of her own moodiness-- it felt so wrong seeing a miserable Santa. 

“Aw, chin up deary, you're looking absolutely fabulous in those,” she said with a playful wink, to which he exhaled through his nostrils, not really taking her word for it but offering a weak smile in response regardless. 

“Thank you lassie, you flatter these old bones. Still, I feel like a fool for being a Santa among a bunch of full-grown drunkards…” 

As much as Audrey truly loved the sight of Santa Barristan, she knew the isolating feeling of becoming an object of ridicule, of being the only one in-costume at a costume’s party (the _nerve_ of her boring past relatives!). So, she had an idea. 

“Give me the fake beard and the hat, sweetie!” 

He looked confused, but obliged. She wore them herself now, to which he coughed to hide a snicker. 

“There, now think of the rest of your outfit as a cozy gym tracksuit!” 

He seemed to consider it for a minute before surprisingly nodding in agreement, an earnest smile under his white mustache. 

“You’re as smart as a fox, young lady!” 

She snickered, basking in the glory of becoming Santa, and handed him one of her bottles. 

“Merry Christmas, bitch!” 

Barristan was taken aback by her vulgar choice of words for a second, but exploded in a huge laughter the next instant, wiping a tear from his eye before graciously accepting the gift. 

“Want to crack these open?” she asked, wrapping an arm around his and tugging him towards the kitchen, but the man didn’t bulge. 

“Ah, thank you lass, but huh, I’ll partake at home. Alcohol makes me sleepy, and I just arrived here, so...” he answered, untangling his arm from her grip with an embarrassed smile. 

What an adorable old man. She blew him a kiss goodbye as he headed to the dinner table and she to the kitchen.

Inside was Reynauld, sitting in a chair with his head buried into his crossed arms on the table, a bottle of wine (was that _their_ cheap wine?) open and half consumed next to him. He raised his eyes and barely glanced at Santa Audrey before burying his flushed face into his fuzzy arms again, his white shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows. 

“I already told you, I ain’t going to refund the cost of your tailored outfit, Barristan… I don’t care if your shoulders didn’t fit into the rental one, how’s that even _my_ fault?” he slurred, his voice raspier than the usual low rumble. Audrey tried not to take offense at the fact that this poor excuse of a man had mistaken her for a man thrice her size, since he was clearly wasted. 

“Uh-oh, somebody’s been naughty tonight. Is that my wine?” she teased, to which he lifted his head in confusion and blinked twice before finally recognizing her. 

“ _Please_...” he scoffed, slowly righting himself in the chair, eyelids heavy. “I don’t drink.” 

Oh? 

“Then who drank this, you lovely fool? The saints?” she bit back. 

He grimaced at her, looking dead serious, almost offended. 

“Barristan. He was too frustrated with the Santa situation, drank half a bottle in one go despite my protests.” 

Wow, what a filthy liar! To be able to lie with such a straight face even while drunk, the guy deserved an Oscar… If she hadn’t heard from Barristan himself that he didn’t drink at parties, she might have even believed him. 

“What about the shots?” Audrey brought up, to which he blinked slowly in response, head almost tilting back into his arms for a split of a second. Oh, he was so drunk… 

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” he mumbled, and Audrey rolled her eyes at his innocent act. 

“Don’t go thinking we didn’t catch you downing two of Para’s shots back then. I thought you said you didn’t drink, deary.” 

Reynauld chewed up his lip for a moment, avoiding eye contact and blushing like a child caught lying (or like the drunkard he was). 

“I usually don’t drink. That was but a moment of weakness...” He said with a sigh, and his tone sounded different this time around, though Audrey couldn’t put her finger on why. His shoulders and eyes were droopy, he looked almost vulnerable now, she had never seen the man like this before. If this was an act to make Audrey feel sorry for him, it was working. 

“May I ask what happened?” She pulled down the Santa beard and sat in a chair next to him, putting her bottle next to the opened one-- and _yep,_ that was their wine. 

Only Dismas and Audrey would have driven two towns away to grab a lot of these, since they didn’t sell _Courtier_ wine around here anymore, not after the antifreeze scandal. It sold real cheap now, they appreciated that. Rey fidgeted with his fingers, as if deciding whether to tell Audrey or not. They weren’t exactly friends, never had been, but hopefully the alcohol would help lower his inhibitions, because Audrey was curious now.

“I thought... my son would be spending Christmas with me this year,” Rey confessed, brows furrowed and tone hurt. “I haven’t seen him in years, I _assumed_ this would be a good opportunity to catch up. Barristan was doing me a favor, since I imagined my child would be happy to meet Santa... I know I would.” 

Audrey couldn’t help but smile at the imagery of a tiny stick-in-the-mud kiddy Reynauld, all giddy seeing Santa. 

"How was I supposed to know he would not like the idea? The brat didn’t even want to come…” Rey groaned, rubbing his eyes and face in frustration. 

“How old is your little boy?” Audrey asked, taking a sip of the wine, surprised at herself for actually having a conversation with Reynauld for once in all these years. Usually they would just ignore each other in a mutual Cold War over Dismas’ attention... 

“Sixteen.” 

Audrey almost spat out the wine. 

“What?? Then your kid is a young lad already! Of course he wouldn’t want to meet Santa!” 

Rey frowned, grabbing the bottle from her hands in drowsy movements. 

“I am aware of that now.” He said bitterly before taking a big swig. “They grow up so fast… One day they’re snotty little toddlers crying your brains and patience out…” Reynauld started, drumming his big fingers on the bottle, looking pensive. “Then, you go out of town for a gig for just a decade, divorce their mom, start over in another town… And six years later, it's they don’t even know you anymore.” 

That sounded too honest to be a lie. Audrey wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be tragic or humorous, but Rey’s self-deprecating laughter gave her permission to laugh as well. 

“Oh wow, I didn’t know you were such a bad daddy.” She knew he was a hypocritical, self-righteous, better-than-thou sorta guy, just from the little she knew of him through the years, but she had never seen this side of him. 

“You know, usually I'd deny it and fight you on that, but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel good to admit it for once… I’m a terrible human being." He slurred with a chuckle, passing her the wine after another swig-- the both of them sharing a drink, now _that_ was a Christmas miracle. 

“Don’t say that, we all make mistakes. We just need to learn from them and try to be better…” Audrey said, not missing how Rey’s eyes widened in realization at such an obvious statement. “Take me for instance: it took me an entire decade of putting up with a man I didn’t love for me to realize I valued my freedom way more than any luxury money could buy. I learned my lesson. As for you… well, now you know not to abandon your partner and kid for a decade anymore!” 

She knew this would either make him laugh or sour his mood entirely, but she just couldn’t give up on her gallows humor for the life of her. Luckily, his laughter filled the room, expansive and warm, and she couldn’t help but smile at the smile he offered her next, all bright eyes and flushed face. She hated to admit that he didn’t look half bad in that state-- of course he lacked Dismas’ roguish charm, but she could see the appeal in Rey’s goody two-shoes appearance, with his well-kept salt and pepper beard and perfect smile... those hooded blue eyes under thick dark eyelashes and eyebrows were all especially enticing. And were those dimples? Gosh, maybe Audrey’s type in man was handsome and drunk.

“You’re a good person, Audrey… I can see now why Dismas likes you,” Reynauld said, in the softest tone of the night, and Audrey grew warm at that, despite the implications of that ‘now’. 

“Well, he likes you too, so maybe he doesn’t really know what he’s doing,” she jested, and was caught off guard when Rey’s face burned full red. 

“He does?” Rey’s voice was but a shaky whisper. 

Oh? Wasn’t he aware of Dismas’ noticeable feelings towards him? 

“My, what a dense boy… You should ask him yourself any of these days, I’m sure you’ll like the answer,” she said with a wink, to which Rey snatched the bottle from her hands and downed the rest of it, a nervous energy radiating through his every pore. 

Ah, never in a million years had Audrey imagined herself playing cupid for Dismas and Reynauld of all people, but the thought of them together surprisingly didn’t fill her with anguish like before. He was but a flawed messed up human looking for happiness, just like the both of them after all. Rey reached for the next bottle and slipped something out of his pocket to open it, something familiar and--

“Hey, is that mine??” Audrey instantly recognized the pickaxe corkscrew, and Reynauld’s face went white. Had this happened before their conversation she would have been furious at him, at his blatant hypocrisy. At the nerve of him swearing he didn’t drink while at the same time, carrying the proof that not only he was a liar but also a sneaky thief. But now… 

“Another moment of weakness, I assume?” she said with a sad smile, taking off her Santa hat and beard and waiting for his reaction. 

He couldn’t look her in the eye. Drunken Dismas had once told her about Rey’s bad habit of stealing small things when he was anxious (his lucky coin would know), so it wasn’t like she wasn’t aware of that. Still, the guilt on Reynauld’s face was delicious, and Audrey couldn’t help the devilish grin forming on her face, thumbs stroking the Santa hat. 

“I’ll let that slide, under one condition.”

Reynauld all but eyed her, worriedly.

\---

As Audrey stepped out of the kitchen and back into the living room with her freshly opened bottle, she was quickly approached by Junia, who was blushing furiously with a distressed look on her young face. 

“T-there you are! You need to get a hold of your husband, he’s out of control tonight! You should have seen how he was dancing back there...” 

Husband? Audrey’s brain stopped working mid-sentence, flashes of her ex-husband ugly visage dancing behind her foggy eyes for a second or two before she realized Junia couldn’t possibly be talking about him-- maybe the alcohol was starting to affect her. 

“Pardon me? You meant... Dismas?" Audrey asked, visibly confused. 

Junia's face scrunched in equal confusion as her eyes darted down, searching for something-- oh, was she looking for a ring? Audrey had none, no ring would tie her down anymore. 

“O-oh, forgive me for the assumption… I was told you two lived together, and I imagined you were…” She said, covering her mouth in embarrassment and blushing deeper. “So, he’s just your boyfriend?” She asked, chestnut eyes dancing all around Audrey’s face, biting her lower lip in anxious curiosity. 

Oh dear, she was adorable, especially with that Christmas wreath headdress around her brown braids. Audrey just wanted to pick her tiny frame up and shield her from this messed up world. 

“No, no, no, sweetie. It’s not like that! You see...” Audrey said, thinking for a moment. 

How to best frame their relationship without scandalizing this innocent soul? “We’re actually best friends, Dismas is like a brother to me. Fuck, sometimes we sleep with each other, but we’re not a like a couple in the traditional sense...” This was what Audrey had meant to say. But what actually ended up leaving her mouth...

“He’s actually my dear brother, but sometimes we fuck like a traditional couple...” 

In her drunken state, it took her a moment too long for her to register the mix up, so she didn’t quite understand the look of shock flashing through poor Junia’s eyes before she had a coughing fit and excused herself in a panic. When Audrey realized her mistake, she was so mortified she couldn’t stop laughing-- oh wow, so much for trying to shield sweet Junia.

“Laughing fit. Hm, I wonder whether this could be an effect of the drugs or just the alcohol…” Audrey overheard Para's nasal voice mumbling to herself while frantically typing notes on her phone. She recomposed herself as best as she could and wrapped an arm around Para’s slender shoulders, always wound too tight, offering her the wine. 

“You should drink something other than your radioactive green mix for once, darling, a bit of relaxation wouldn’t kill you. It's Christmas after all, my dear...” The " _doctor_ " carefully unwrapped herself from Audrey’s embrace, as methodical as usual. 

“No, thank you, my concoction awakens and sharpens my senses while this filthy grape water would just dull them. As for this being _'Christmas'_ , you know this doesn't make a difference for me. Now, tell me, besides the one I gave you, have you had any more of my shots later this evening? I found a couple were gone while I was distracted...” 

Audrey shook her head, actually, she had had zero shots, but Para wouldn't be finding that out. But wait… Paracelsus? Distracted? 

“What could have possibly distracted this focused woman of drugs and science?” Audrey teased her, to which Para scoffed, pocketing her phone and taking off her glasses to wipe them like she always did when frustrated. 

"Ask Dismas. I can barely believe he only had one dosage-- I m-mean, shot tonight with how crazy he’s acting..." She said, squinting her pretty green eyes as the spectacles went back in place. “You’re lucky you weren’t here, cause Sarmenti just sang the most vulgar Christmas carol ever, and we all had to watch as Dismas started to dance to the very explicit lyrics mid-song… He’s done some other _unspeakable_ things too, very embarrassing and distracting. Now, if you excuse me, I think I’m seeing Bigby throwing up green bile back there!!” she said, heading off in a hurry. One could think her attitude was out of concern for an intoxicated friend, but Audrey knew it probably had to do with her drug experimentation.

One thing was for sure: Audrey really wished she had been present during Dismas’s little show. She was intrigued by exactly what “unspeakable things” he could have done as well. Earlier tonight she had left a very well-behaved Dismas all splayed out on Rey's armchair, so placid, tipsy and cute. To think he’d go so wild in such a short time... Could the drugs have kicked in? Better yet, could the same happen to _Reynauld_ in a little while? Audrey was so curious and, at the same time, so glad she had taken it slow tonight-- sure, the alcohol was starting to get to her, but she still had enough clarity of mind and, most important of all, dexterity to snap some pictures. Those would sure make for some good memories/playful blackmail. Luckily for her, she didn't have to search for Dismas as a familiar stubble brushed against her neck and she was engulfed in a warm hug from behind. 

"Ah, there you are…" Audrey purred with a smile as Dismas snickered against her ear. "I've heard you've been a naughty boy tonight." She said, sure wishing she still had the Santa hat and beard on, for added effect. He just snorted and squeezed her a little tighter before letting go in clumsy movements. 

“Sorry I took so long, love, here’s your wine.” As she turned around to face him and hand him the bottle, she caught a look at his face and, dear God, did Audrey recognize that unquiet look in his half-lidded gaze: Dismas was in a mood. 

While she was super curious to know what had he been up to while she was gone, maybe it was time for her to give him his surprise gift for the night? She put down the bottle and leaned against him, as carefully as her drunken self could. 

“Come with me, I have a surprise for you,” she whispered in his ear, not missing the way he shivered against her skin. 

“Don't mind if I do,” he answered, raising an eyebrow and giving her that crooked smile she couldn’t resist. Audrey bit her lips and tugged him by that godawful scarf, feeling flushed and lightheaded but trying to remind herself that it was not the time for those fluttery feelings. 

"Hey, careful with that!" He laughed, tugging at the scarf. 

"This thing is already wretched as it is, Dismas!" she said, as she dragged him towards the kitchen. 

“Yeah, but I really like it…” he smiled, blushing. Audrey turned to him and gave him a knowing smile before walking into the kitchen, letting go of her grip. 

"I know, love. Come, let’s get your surprise." 

Inside, Rey was washing his face at the sink-- was that an attempt to sober up? 

"Hey, where is the hat?" Audrey demanded, to which he looked at her in surprise, shutting off the faucet. 

He blushed and wiped his face with his hand, putting on the Santa hat in an undignified motion. Dismas looked intrigued at her, blinking slowly in confusion. 

"Remember my dare? I've got you a replacement Santa! Now, I know you've been a naughty boy tonight, but that's okay, since this Santa misbehaved himself too." 

As Reynauld wiped his face and beard some more on his shirt, Audrey lightly pushed him against a chair and forced him to sit down. 

"You can make your wish now!" she said to her best friend with benefits, looking very pleased with herself. Rey's eyes were glassy, face flushed, and Dismas curiosity was piqued. 

"Is she blackmailing you into this, Rey?" he asked him, in a tender albeit drunken tone. “You don’t have to play along if you don’t want to.” 

Audrey didn't miss how Reynauld bit his lip and looked away for a second before confessing. 

"She only made me wear the hat…" 

To this, Dismas’ eyes widened, and he smiled big and stupid, trying to look nonchalant, but face went full red as he slowly made his way towards Reynauld after a moment of hesitation. He delicately sat on one of Rey's big and sturdy thighs, all chaste and well-behaved rather than straddling him like Audrey had pictured. Dismas turned his torso to face Reynauld and wrapped an arm around his broad shoulders for balance, chests close, dark eyes locking at the man furiously blushing so close to him. Reynauld looked like he didn't dare to breathe, eyes darting to everywhere but the man on his lap, and Dismas couldn’t help but laugh, short and sweet. 

"Thanks for the scarf, ‘Santa’," Dismas said, cheekily. Audrey knew it. “I don’t really want anything else...” He laughed his nervous laugh-- only Audrey could spot the difference, he was trying hard to play it cool. 

To everyone's surprise, Reynauld slid his hands around Dismas’ waist and kept them there, both their breath caught and suspended until blue finally met black eyes. Rey’s voice came in a shuddering breath, hooded eyes filled with want.

“A-are you sure that’s all you want?...”

Audrey’s own face warmed at the sultry tone in Rey’s deep, low voice. Dismas was too drunk to hold his act together and he all but gasped and burned at Rey’s words and sudden touch, looking back to Audrey for a moment, unsure of what to do next. The blonde just smirked back, as she stealthily took her phone out to snap a quick picture. Dismas laughed breathlessly and focused back on the man shifting under his weight, as those big hands started to shyly caress him, pulling him closer. 

Dismas bit his lips and glanced at Audrey one last time, silently mouthing her a big "Thank you" with a wink, to which she smiled and mouthed back a silent "Merry Christmas" as she stepped back towards the door. He smiled back in that way he knew she loved, all flushed face and bright eyes that held a promise-- oh, that wasn't the end of it. He'd come back to her for more, she was sure of it. 

She closed the door behind her with a soft click and walked towards the dinner table, feeling proud and satisfied with herself for tonight. She grabbed one of Paracelsus's last shots and lifted it up, silently toasting amidst Sarmenti ballads. What a great Christmas this had been so far... Here’s to some more! And she downed that burning liquid in one go. The party was just starting after all.


End file.
